walking amongst them
just torture
stumbling amongst them
strangers piercing
my heart
left behind
when
where can i
find it - happiness
how
it’s happened before
floating
hoping
searching
waiting
empty
yet overflowing
it’s a desert
for my soul
this must be how ghosts feel
I feel like it’ll happen. A point in the near future in that the silence grows so much between us that when we do decide to break it, likely after a long time, we won’t recognize the friendship that had once blossomed. Strangers once again - trying to find new words to bring back the old.
Sometimes i want to forget my San Jose life and just live my home life, but then it keeps creeping back in.
I could care less about that place, except for my involvement in Beta.
Kind of sad to say this, but i wish i went to school in a place that i longed to go back to - where that was my home. Maybe that feeling will change soon.
[repost]
Cells surging through my brain, attempting to force my head from tipping over and smashing onto the desk. Scrolling endlessly, i ponder about the actions of daily life and my experiences. Feeling pointless, i create a new post to let the thoughts flow out of my brain as salmon rush through some white-water-falls. What am i to do? What should i do with my life? I need to better it.
Me eyes flicker up and down the bright white screen in front of them, as multi-tasking with brain and thinking of words to type out. The worn-out limbs and fingers droop over the keys of the dirty and sweat-covered laptop. Tap-Tap-Tap
One simple blink and the brain electrifies my whole body. I’m gone.
I expected this trip to be a lot smoother in my head. Ever since i was 16, i dreamt of seeing the Aurora Borealis. The Northern Lights. One of the wonders of the world that i once thought was only possible in my head or in movies. Seeing them was one of those optimistic dreams in which i disregarded any other sort of necessary detail. It took a few years, but here we are. Tonight, i’m determined that this dream becomes reality.
the door just closed
left alone, once more
i thought of them all
my family, my friends
who i’ve left, who i’ve killed
my fault, well it’s my turn
living day to day - immortal
no face. no identity
just living by some fake id
in some box i found
the things i’ve seen
the things i’ve done
it should not even be allowed
i should have
died
long ago
well
who needs this
a sad old man
travelling with no
purpose
it makes no sense
i’ve overstayed my welcome
for too long
convincing myself that
life is
beautiful well it
just isnt
bow ties aren’t
cool fezzes are
stupid
the things i did to
persuade myself
but i cant just
die with
all those other things out there
who else
will save you no
one else will
im the last
of my kind
of my species
i guess i have an
obligation to
live stupid obligation
going all over with
stupid universe reset buttons
cant fix it all
cant fix myself
forget it
It’s 2:30am
here come the drunks
and stoners
dripping of vodka
covered in beer
fingers covered in cheeto dust
stains
stench
slurring and stumbling
with their hats backwards and
dresses cut short
its like a virus
irresistible yet resistible
they all look like idiots
yet i do too
sitting here and judging
who was here in my spot last month
when i stumbled in
eyes red
mind afloat
thoughts askew
tongue dry
acid rising to my throat
who was here
judging
me
purple puke all over the counter
not even bother to clean
my own shit
i have no right
we’re all stumbling idiots.
in an environment like this, the darkness
takes over
must be true then, what they say
about him
satan
ruler of darkness
laughing at us
“stumbling idiots”
I’m sitting here in the midst of isolation and hunger, just questioning
am i in the right place?
doing the right things?
thinking the right things?
I swung my web and flew through the skies, using fire from my hands as my propeller. The TARDIS engine roared as we zoomed through and around dark clouds. I heard R2 beeping - it’s gonna be a bumpy ride. My friends on their broomsticks dashing through the endless rain. It was incredible. These are just some lies i use to cope with reality.
Streetlights hit my eyes and i see asphalt in front of me, rain hitting my windshield. My right foot pressed against the accelerator. I was driving down a long road. Maybe dozed off for a few seconds.
I long for the day reality is just as exciting as our imagination. It’s a pretty pathetic dream actually. Not being able to accept the world i live in, and hoping for something that won’t exist?
There comes a point when you’re increasing the volume and then the volume suddenly hits a perfect level in which the music basically surrounds you and permeates throughout you. And you just close your eyelids, reclining back into your own world.
were all parents once actually teenagers like us with these existential identity crises and simple first world issues and whining about
“no one understanding”
or did they just have it all figured out.
I don’t know why i took the job. He bribed me, and i fell into his trap.Yet i dont know if i can call it a bribe; I sub-consciously had the urge to do it the whole time.
This wall was the strongest wall any architect during our time could have built. It was tall, a few years old, and sort of dark, yet not gloomy. Light, but strong. And the brain of the operation wanted to destroy it, so the ocean beyond it floods and destroys the city protected by the wall. He said he wanted to do it because he likes how the city looks. Why would you do that to a city you love?
Anyway, here i was, hammering away. Cracking the wall bit by bit. The boss was pleased. My arm, instead of feeling the pain and muscular fatigue from hammering the wall, felt stronger. The wall started soaking itself and after an hour, the ocean on my side, shrank by an inch.
Sure, it was taking a long time. But it felt good for some reason. I wanted to take my time. I enjoyed the view of the beautiful city beyond the wall as i continued to work.
Within minutes - crack - I heard something. The water dramatically began to - crack - reduce and my heart beat faster and - crack - faster. I smirked and my eyes grew bigger as i howled over my triumph.
I put on my goggles and took a breath before i dove into the shining ocean. I saw the wall crumbling from underwater. The light from the sun explored the ocean, making the ocean gleam like platinum. The chunks of the wall smashed onto the city, destroying parts, piece by piece. 1/4th of it was already soaked. The city shined from one last moment before the wall crashed down upon it, enveloping it in a golden ocean.
I smiled but quickly lost my breath. I was surely going to die, as i was nowhere near getting my breath. I closed my eyes and entered eternal darkness, soaking up the glory of the city and the ocean all at once, entering death, or so i thought, only to have my face be confronted by the roof of a church, bells ringing in my ears. I stumble and crash onto the concrete floors of the city. The once golden city.
Oxygen fills my body and a silly grin materialized on my face; i felt all the pain and salty sand and tiredness on my body, hours later. I was lying there. Paralyzed and accomplished. All i could think about was telling the boss. He’d be proud.
Then it happened again. Curiosity struck me. Destroying a city. Why?
Why did i take this job?
In plain site, my left hand was lifeless next to me, and i read the words inscribed onto the palm.
‘you are alone’.
I was alone. There was no boss. I wasn’t assigned this. I told myself. And forgot about it.
What kind of a cruel world am i running?
i’m pretty pumped
for that moment i look into her eyes
and we’re 60 years old
but we’re just 6
i feel
the stars inside me
and i feel butterflies
and i take a breath
and i know
and im
im happy
In a split second, i experience it all. My insides burn and i feel what Rose felt in Parting of the Ways. Past, present, and future dont matter. Every second becomes an echo of itself. I turned the corner and it felt like a whole different eternity. Sounds from every moment that ever is and was. Every universe and every dimension. It’s new and old at the same time. I begin to see the perfections and imperfections of detail. Experiencing everything and nothing all at once. You’re in a dream that is at the same time, reality. It’s me, actually. Every creature that stirs near doubts me and knows the evil in ny heart. They look into my soul and cackle at my foolishness. Stumbling through wherever and whenever, just trying to sit where it feels right to feel what feels right. Eyes being dragged down by the force of gravity added onto the size of some high schooler who takes steroids’s muscles. The heaviness heats my eyes in a warm and searing color. I try to feel profound by making an analogy to a power ranger or a pokemon or gryffindor or my sweatshirt. But im really not that profound. I walk into the domain of darkness and shelter - that was a weird way to describe it. but i mean. this place is dark. and lonely. but the memories and experiences and the; it symbolizes something greater and i still fear it for some reason. but i step in and enter isolation. and i find christmas. in a little travel-sized bottle. unlocked it and - my body is a mint for a few seconds. Like a mint leaf. Or a mentos. Like i regenerated or something. In the back of the room, i watch myself, more as an animated baboon, on his exaggerated and odd escapade through life. Laughing and giggling and smiling at normalities that present themselves in wondrous illustrations. The beat of the universe(s) pounds in my head and i feel everything flow through me: I hear music in everything. I see everything in HD, as if life itself was an award-winning film. It’s like the best movie ever. And in the end, i danced with shadows and saw the world and nothing at all. I feel accomplished and empty. I slouch into an alternate reality of darkness, into my own mind, vaster than any man-made discovery on this chunk of rock in space. Lots of things happen and suddenly its almost 9pm. Lots of things happen? That sounds like a poor resolution for a climax in a film. Well things do happen. Quickly. And I rise back up and out. My mouth is so dry.
I talk and talk and talk and talk and stare out a window and more ideas and thoughts and wannabe-profound thoughts pop up and i talk and write and its 6:30.
hey we’re all allowed to be profound sometimes.
